Friday, November 26, 2010

A Turkey Based Meditation

I had a moment of absolute clarity yesterday. On food, I really resent my family.

See, they became vegetarians in the 1970s. And my older brother was veggie. And I was born veggie. And for the first 10 years of my life, and the first 15-20 years of my parent's time together the whole family was vegetarian. No matter where we were at in the world we did not eat meat.

Then they changed.
My Brother was the first to start eating beef; after he moved out. Then when I started High School my mum was eating meat.
My home changed.
The food changed.
The scents and smells of my home, my safe place changed.

One of the biggest (not moral) social upbringing I had was suddenly just gone. No one ever ever discussed it with me; either their reason to eat it or a notification that my house and diet might be changing. What was so important growing up, "Don't ever eat meat, we don't do that!" was suddenly null and void.

I am seen as the outcast here. I am seen as the bad person for not "liking" the smell of meatflesh.
This is the same family who I suppose just don't remember every time I remind them of my old job and the fact that meat cooking smells like human meat cooking to me. It's not a tasty or pleasant scent to be around for me. It's strange and because of my work on cadavers and victims I sadly know what burned and cooked human smells like. It's revolting and not really something that puts me at ease or into a pleasant mood.

I still have not ever had meat. I most likely never will. I don't begrudge the people who eat meat, again it's not a moral issue to me.
But I completely resent that my family brought me up one way, brought our whole family up one way... then abandon it and get pissed at me for not "enjoying" the smell of cooking meat.

They created who I am in that respect, and I just find it so demeaning that the way they brought me up, the eating habits I was given from birth are suddenly shit to them or something. I'm the same- they changed!
And they hate me for not changing too.

There is a good reason why I hate family dinners and big meals and such. I think this is a big part of it.
I don't need to have the vegetarian stuff pointed out or read to me from a menu, I have eyes and can read myself.

Maybe I'll try it another way to describe; you are born into a Catholic family. They are all Catholics, you are too, the family goes every week, prays together every night for the first 10, 15 years of your life.
Then in a few weeks your entire family says they are now Hindi and they just bemoan that you can't just drop kick Jesus and start loving Kali.

Each time I try and articulate this though, it fails. I either can't get the words right or the blame and discomfort get pushed back onto me as it's my "choice".

They could choose to respect me too.
Or, maybe I am wrong for wanting to hold onto my identity.

- Thanksgiving went well for my family. We went out to a restaurant this year. 4 star food. And a chef who forgot my vegetarian oder.

I'm glad that crap day is over.

Friday, November 19, 2010

72 hour Groundhog day

Wash has a cycle he repeats about every 2-4 days. Good day, good day, good morning-shitty afternoon- terrible evening.
It's something I've almost gotten used to. He cries. He hates. He yells. He cycles through and faces for a few hours his own grief of dying. And vents it out on me.

He's fine now, back to his normal jocular personality. Last night was a different story though. Last night he just was so upset, so mad. I had made a comment to the effect of "If you keep lying to your family and friends about how you are really doing it only hurts everyone- me and you included."
This led to the "I have 3/4 of a brain, I used to do this, and I can't do anymore, so I'm worthless.... etc" Just imagine that for like 3 more hours.
Of me listening to that crap, and telling him it's crap, and building him back up. As best I could, which is getting worse and worse. It's so hard to get through the days people who are not caregivers just do.not.understand. He's not a child, but needs to be watched and helped like one. He can sometimes make adult decisions, but he still *is* one. He fights to live every day, but he draws that so much from me. I've been willing him to live for more than a year now. I'm beyond tired. I'm at the point where I barely exist as a person or as a separate identity. I feel drained of life.

And every few days I have to work even harder to keep him alive for the next day.

He's my best friend. I'm already trading my life, my will, my freedom to him. I don't even know what if anything will ever come back.

Cancer seems to take everything but Hope.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I think (from our talks) Wash is leaning towards stopping chemo after his Dec round and going on Hospice Care.
He's 26.
My thoughts on this will take some composing so I will come back to that.

My happy thought for the day?
He tried to brush his teeth this morning with baby lotion.

The toothpaste tube and the lotion bottle are no where the same size, shape, or even colour but his brain and muscle memory told him to do it.

He says he got about 4 brushes in before he noticed there was no "foam" and it tasted different. (Chemo has fried his taste buds)
No harm, not poisoned.

That's brain cancer.

Laugh or cry.

Monday, November 15, 2010

So much, so little

My day so far;
*Almost 2 hours (so far) between our Insurance, his cancer doc, and our pharmacy. Basically, the insurance is being a dick and demanding the dr's office do the same paperwork over and over because they can't understand a neuro-oncologist is both a neurologist and an oncologist.
So they are refusing to pay for Wash's meds.
And as a bonus we're getting a new higher co-pay so I'm back to pretty much not being able to afford meds. $4/med is not that much.... until you do the math on more than 20 Rx's a month. For just him. Plus all my meds- at least 5-6 scripts a month to top.
I just want his meds so he doesn't die *right now* and his meds so he isn't vomiting or in constant pain.

And I flattened a tire so I will need to replace that ASAP with money I literally don't have.

I think I'm gonna go finish laundry and throw some darts at a photograph of our "dearly elected Governor".
How's your Monday goin'?

At least the active chemo right now is over. "Hard" part, eh?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

One year; Beating the Odds

He has next month's chemo to get through and then we have "the talk" with his Neuro-Oncologist.

There are 3 options he has right now, and they are pretty much the same ones from this year- again providing he doesn't have a new tumor grow in the next 6 weeks or so.

A) Stay on Temodar for another 2,4, or 6 months.
B) Move on to a course of Avastin or enroll in an Avastin/Comptosar trial for 2011
C) Stop chemo and move MRI screenings up to every 2-4 weeks. No "active" treatment; at this point if he wanted we could then qualify with our insurance to get Hospice Coverage.

Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out where we be will over the Giftmas holidays.
Working on projects, trying to find money to pay always continuing bills.
Growing in the garden; harvested my fall peppers and we have winter tomatoes growing and even a winter melon! I pulled a gallon's worth of Basil leaves the other day and gave them to my mum to cook with. I like sharing, that's part of the "goodness" of a garden; it can feed one physically and spiritually.

I'm averaging about 3-5 loads of laundry a week. Maybe 1- 1 1/2 loads are my clothes. I honestly have no idea where all these dirty smelly clothes come from or how he could produce so many in such a short time frame. It's amazing.
Based on my calculations on fill dates I should have about 10 trips to the Pharmacy to be made in the next 7 days. Le sigh.

Leto has recovered from his neutering. He now officially is a 7 lb male! Aelphie and him are getting along a bit better, I even have pictures of them sleeping within 2 feet of each other. Cats. Silly fur tubes of socialized behaviour.

Do better for others than what you do for yourself.