I've been spending a bit more time away from the computer and trying to focus hard on our lives and coping with my depression.
I hate the helpless feeling. I hate the way it creeps up and robs me of my sleep. I hate the doubt that gets planted in my mind. The little warning bell that goes off at the thought of anything because everything can turn dangerous now.
Wash and I have been trying to work on being able to separate off our feelings of frustration at each other and the actual anger at the cancer itself, not the person in who it resides.
So far his health is holding pretty steady. The usual insurance issues with filling his meds- thankfully our Pharm team gets shit done.
Things are better between us at least. We always get our shit settled before bed, but we both have been working on trying to help each other more. It's to the point now where I have to specifically ask for "Tashi" time- a specific set amount of time where Wash focuses on treating me like a living person and less like a servant. I'm also trying to communicate more to him what I need of him and what he needs of himself to be a little bit independent.
I worry so so so much. Then again, considering that my husband is 27 and dying of brain cancer and I can't work/bring in income, and we live in Arizona - the state that told us to emigrate elsewhere, perhaps my stress and worry is an appropriate response.